Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Right now I wish I had the ability to write something long and beautiful and full of meaning, but to be incredibly honest, this is a task that I struggle with more than I think I’m willing to admit.

I can ‘write’ things like that in my head, I can speak a monologue in a gentle whisper when I’m alone (Yes, I do talk to myself. Yes, I do act out story/writing ideas)…but when I get around to writing it down (or typing it) I suddenly find myself unable to.

I’m not at all good at touchy feelings things, well, not in a way that I’m willing to share. I have to admit, I can word my feelings towards lots of things rather well…but if you ask me ‘What’s your biggest dream?’ or ‘Isn’t he darling?’ or ‘Why do you like that movie so much?’ I suddenly struggle, I stumble and merely say “I don’t know” or shrug or something equally as vague

A lot of the time when I share my true feelings, verbally more than in text, I have…an anxiety attack, I think. My mother once told me my body is sending out a physical defence mechanism. I get all hot, I get the shakes, my heart pounds…and I mean this can happen when I’m attempting to explain my love of a movie. Perhaps this is more so my ‘stage fright’, well, sometimes.

Now, this does not happen all the time, and of course there are exceptions (I could go on and on about them.) but I know for a fact that I am not good at telling/describing my feelings. I’m really not and typing this is incredibly difficult because I know I could word things better…I know I could go more in depth…but I just can’t, those thoughts are starting now. Every time I have any sort of ‘feeling’, it only lasts so long before I start to over analyse it along with everything else.

I just think I hate the idea of people knowing how I really look at things, how I really feel about things….I think it’s because they’re mine and I don’t want to share them.